The feeling of slipping and falling

And losing control

Of words slipping over

With no one to listen

And so I will write

It smells like summer and the rain

Like smiles and sunshine

Secrets and random thoughts

Whispered while lying

In the middle of those awful mats

At a track meet

They smelled like dust

It sounds like childhood friendship

Words unspoken and

“She just gets me”

Like “I’m not okay”

but “you’re not either”

so “Let’s be happy together because we can”

It sounds like recess and 7th grade camp

Wisdom beyond her years

An encouragement to not be afraid to be

You. Unapologetically

Like failed promises to get together every summer

It looks like years of girl scout camp

Campfires, tents, smores and skits

Like two young kids

Who get each other

And are happy because they can just be

It’s pointless arguments

Hiking in the woods

And stubborn personalities

Learning, talking, living, waving in the halls

It’s like the sun

Consistent, and wonderful

And it will rise every day

And near or far, you will face the day together

Always

And so you don’t think about it

Always is a promise

But it’s like the sun

Exploding in a blinding fire

Burning

Destroying

And leaving you in complete darkness

Cold

Alone

And the sun didn’t want to explode

But always is a promise

It smells like cold, freezing rain

Like iron and blood and dirt

It sounds like “Life is hard”

and “Well, good thing I won’t have to deal with this much longer”

Going unnoticed

Like “You’re one of my best friends, I

can’t wait for the future”

The future is a promise

It felt like the world’s best hug

On the last day of school

Then it felt like everything

Was destroyed

Violently torn cell by cell

In an inferno of destruction

Like wanting to vomit

Like just knowing before reading the message

Shaking, trembling

Frozen

Bones of lead

Unable to move, speak, think

Shock

Like the moving car in which you sit 

Is thrown out of Earth’s orbit

It feels like death

But without the privilege

Of unending darkness

Like hell

Because you have to live it

It smelled like dirt and flowers

And sounded like sobs

Reassurances given to those deemed “her friends”

It smelled like nothing

We got each other

Forever was a promise

So was the future

So is the sun

Who was to say she wasn’t my best friend?

It sounded like reassuring others

And silence in return

Like “I’m sorry”

And a whole lot of others talking

I listened

Sometimes pain is not spoken in volume

It’s spoken in the lack thereof

It sounded like “I’m tired of being sad”

“We’ve been to too many funerals”

“We’ve lost so much of our family already”

Spoken from my mother’s lips

It looks like never visiting

Her grass

Or her rock

Because she’s not there

It sounds like “I’m not okay,

and you weren’t either,

but you didn’t make it”

and “We can’t be happy together because you’re not here”

It sounds like silence

Sometimes pain is not loud

It feels like 

“She’s everywhere but nowhere at the same time”

Like cold, like ice, like dark

Like not wanting to “move on”

Because it’s NOT OKAY

We had a promise

A promise

It looks like not moving on

or letting go

but learning to keep moving regardless

Because that’s all you could do

Because it’s NOT OKAY

Because it’s still not and never will be

And I will never move on

It sounds like forgetting her voice

Crying by yourself at night 

Even two years later

Holding onto memories

Pain isn’t always loud

Who are you to say she wasn’t my best friend?

It looks like waking up from dreams

And finding she’s not there

Like growing up and older

Changing how you look

You act

You speak

Wondering what new glasses she’d have by now

And why your kids someday

Will never get to have playdates

It sounds like silence

And smells like the ink of a purple pen on paper

It was her favorite color

Would it still be?

It feels like an unfinished sentence

Like lying on the grass

We used to lie on together

And looking up at the sky

Except now I’m alone

And now I don’t look up at the sky

I look up at her

Sometimes pain is silent

So is she

And yet I still see her beauty 

every day

In the rising sun;

We have a promise